How to self-soothe yourself

Self-soothing - showing compassion to yourself

I love the word soothing- soooooothing. It really sounds like it feels, or it should feel.

o   It sounds like stroking a soft fluffy (friendly) cat.

o   It sounds like hugging a warm woollen sweater.

o   It sounds like a glowing orange sunset that draws you in.

This soothing has to be soft.

It has to be warm.

It has to be an invitation to care.

If we have a frightened small puppy, or child we present them with calming, gentle words to allay their fear.

I ask you for a moment to stop and imagine doing just that.

That means taking a moment.

Close your eyes and image soothing; something, someone or being in a place that soothes your inner being.

How is your breath?

How are your shoulders - are they soft and gentle like your words?

Stay with these feelings, your feelings inside.

Calmness and Positivity for Ourselves

I'm sure no one will disagree with the calmness and the positive message above. Whether you just read the words or stopped, had a breath, and did some imagining.

However, now your task is to turn this gentle soft, understanding and caring towards yourself.

To begin the practice of self-soothing.

Self-soothing means literally throwing the self-critic out of the window.

Self-critic can damage us – stop us from doing or taking action.

I find in today's world it's not difficult to find someone who will criticise you: -

o   “you're doing this wrong”.

o   “that's not good enough”.

o   The worst telling you, “you're not good enough”.

Any or all of these comments can be closely followed with advice (they think it's helpful).

o   “Do it this way”

o   “stop doing that”

o   “I can show you a better way” (just wanting to help).

Advice is well meant as the therapist it's in my DNA. And of course, an integral part of my work.

Importance of learning & development for the future

But without the ability to self-soothe how can we accept criticism which is a necessary part of learning and of personal development.

I cannot know your self-soothing words. Therefore, for this article I'll use.

 “I'll be OK” or “I'm OK”

“it's all right” or “it's OK”.

This is where the future must come in if we can soothe ourselves, calmly reassure that we are all we can be OK it will begin to quieten that seemingly resilient, impossible to quieten that self-critic.

Its natural response to criticism to fight back however at times fighting back doesn't work. Getting angry with a frightened child never helps the situation. Certainly, a frightened puppy goes further under the bed if you get angry as it becomes more frightened.

In this same manner to self-attack can be a natural response. Things you might say to yourself are “what did you do that for” “that was useless” an ending on a strong note “you are useless”.

Self-critic puts up that barrier to our self-belief

If you have become an expert at self-criticism, and been doing this for many years it can impact your self-belief and your confidence not only in yourself but your abillty to have work or a career that will give your satisfaction.

These negative message have created neural pathways in your brain. Strong networks that will take time to change.

Neuroplastic changes can occur but you need to be consistent in saying positive messages, speaking them out loud, or writing them - even singing or acting out your positive words.

This picture shows a woman doing the warrior pose. I've given this self-help activity to help with the process of building self-respect, self-belief and boosting confidence.

Technique is not important it is about being grounded, feeling strong and breathing in to feel your power flow your body and limbs.

Do this each morning to experience change.

Self-soothing helped an client with neuroplastic acne

Research on acne that prompted the benefit of self-soothing I used with a client with neuroplastic facial dermatitis found -

“In two weeks, the self-soothing intervention lowered shame and skin complaints. The attack-resisting intervention lowered depression, shame, and skin complaints, and was especially effective at lowering depression for self-critics.”

My client could understand how her anxiety and reactions to what was happening in her life made the dermatitis worse. She was taking care of several generations of her family leaving little time for self-care and unaware of the need for compassion and kindness to herself.

With time and attention to self-compassion and recognising the need to have time to herself her skin soon showed improvement.

I'm not sure I know how to self-soothe?

Applying soothing words and soothing ways to ourself may seem difficult, too hard or you are unsure of how to do this.

We do have this skill, it may not look like the way other people do this but we know how to soothe children.We tuck them in bed at night and whispering gently to them.

Try this when you go to bed; turn off the phone, forget about what you need to do tomorrow, whisper reassuring words and snuggle into the bed covers.

Conclusion

As we grow up we can develop ways of treating ourselves, often from what we expereince or are exposed to. Many of our thoughts and self-talk become neural pathways in our brain that are strenthened the more we use them. What I sometimes find are clients are unaware of the way they speak to themselves. Therefore the first step is awareness or noticing the messages that go around in our minds.

Reference: Soothing Oneself and Resisting Self-Attacks: The Treatment of Two Intrapersonal Deficits in Depression Vulnerability – by Allison C. Kelly, David C. Zuroff, Leah B. Shapira

Jean Jordan – about me

After over 20 years of owning pain clinics, I started Natural Pain Solutions (NPS) to reach more people, rather than one person at a time.  After studying Postgraduate Pain Management & Freedom from Chronic Pain with Howard Schubiner, I want to spread the word about neuroplastic holistic self-help techniques people can use at home and healthcare practitioners can use in their clinics.

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NOTE: The information on this website is for education purposes only and should not be used for diagnosis.